The World's Grossest Dog and Other Joys

I continue to plot my escape from Kindergarten. I've sent out several resumes, but haven't heard anything on them yet. I am also researching the possibility of a work-at-home business, but I don't know if it is viable yet or not. I'll keep you all posted.

In the meantime, I thought I'd regale you all with a story about my gross dog. You've heard of the "World's Ugliest?" Well, ladies and gentlemen, when they start the "World's Grossest Dog" contest, I have the winner... hands down. Last night, Jason and I were talking in the kitchen. Lucky, who's usually an outdoor dog - because he's gross - was sleeping in the mud room, which is right next to the kitchen. We're talking away when suddenly Lucky gets up, walks non-chalantly into the room, looks up at Jason and then proceeds to seat himself on the linoleum and drag his butt on the floor unceremoniously, leaving a foot-and-a-half long skid mark that, as Jason put it, "Dale Jr. himself would've been proud of." Jason and I looked at each other, then the skid mark, and Jason finally "God, he's gross... I'm picking the next pet!" We cleaned up the floor and then went to buy some worm medicine for the dog. Hopefully, that will resolve the butt-dragging issue.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about the dog. I've never seen anything quite like him - and certainly nothing quite as gross. A friend of mine recently e-mailed me and said they had lost their pug. She ate a paper clip and died of zinc poisoning. Now, there's nothing funny about the fact that they lost their pug, mind you. I would never poke fun at that. When he told me about it I thought, "you have got to be kidding me!" I thought about all the stuff Lucky has eaten - assorted garbage, trees, rocks, jewelry, shoes, walls, upholstery, pencils, the front seat of a work truck, a bullet (I dropped it and he thought it was something yummy so he inhaled it).... then there were the visits to the "cat litter smorgasbord" and my personal favorite for the "grosser than gross award" - any feminine sanitary article he can get his nose on. Oh, and let's not forget the turd that mysteriously disappeared out of Addison's baby potty before it even had time to stop steaming.. I didn't actually dust the pot for nose prints, but no one else in the house would've wanted to steal a turd. The first time Lucky met our friend Bill, he walked up with a plastic bag hanging out of his butt (after a recent garbage fest) and gave Jason a look like "a little help here, please?" It was definitely not one of Jason's prouder moments. I thought, gee, I can do him in with paper clips??? But Jason reminded me that the dog is indestructible and would probably just eat the clips then crap nails in the driveway and we'd all have flat tires.

Hope you all enjoyed my gross dog story.... now back to sending out my resume.