A Practical Use for Assault Weapons

I’ve never understood the practical value of owning an assault weapon. This is not an anti-gun statement. If someone were to break into my house in the middle of the night, I’d definitely want a way to defend myself and my family. I also have no problem with hunting as long as you use as much of the animal as possible. However, I’ve never understood the need for the average person to walk into a Wal-Mart or Cabela’s and purchase an M-16 or an AK 47. That’s just my personal opinion. You’re not going to use it for hunting unless you want your hamburger produced before you leave the woods. However, if that’s the way you choose to hunt, bring some freezer bags and have a blast (no pun intended). It’s your prerogative.

Today I had an epiphany. It happened as I was looking out the back door at my bird feeders. What I saw alarmed me. Every single feeder was covered with those little gray forest cockroaches… yes, the dreaded gray squirrels. I went to the front porch to get the dog. A little background on the dog would be helpful at this point. He is a lab/pit-bull mix and in his free time he collects rocks by the dozen and has the charming habit of dropping the rocks on your feet or in front of the lawnmower when you’re not paying attention. He has been rendered virtually toothless by his rock-collecting activity. He also enjoys chasing his own feces through the woods when Jason shovels it out of the lawn. Now there’s a skill everyone looks for when selecting a dog. Yes, he has quite a resume, doesn’t he?

On this particular morning, Lucky was busy sleeping and stinking up the front doormat, obviously exhausted from the prior days’ rock-collecting activity. I sounded the battle call, “Lucky, SQUIRRELS!” He looked at me as if to say, “shouldn’t you be at work? I’m trying to nap here.” He did eventually get his butt in gear, but it required some effort, as his ass-end was obviously not ready to wake up. He chased the squirrels away with a toothless “Boof” or two and went back to his mat. 30 seconds later, the little furry stomachs with tails were back. I watched one shimmy up the pole and use the squirrel baffle like a diving board onto the tray feeder. Tufted titmice, Goldfinches and Nuthatches waited grumpily in the trees while the little gray monsters gorged on their food. It was then that the practical use for an M-16 occurred to me. Although, I must note that I am going to have to move the bird feeders away from the propane tank before I take up any serious target practice, or I just might take care of the squirrel problem for at least an eighth of a mile.

Happy bird-watching, everyone. I’d like to dedicate this post to my mom, a woman who knew her assault weapons.

My mother wore combat boots at shot "expert" on the M-16 

Mom in her dress greens circa 1979 

Mom and I with Cats and Pug

Mom & I with our pets in Fort Ord

Finance

Tonight I made the last presentation of my MBA career. It was based on a a case about Financing and Valuation of a startup company. I still have two more weeks to go, which will include a written case and a test, but I still feel like a weight has been lifted off of me.

Earlier this afternoon I got about 5 inches chopped off of my hair. It is collar-length now. I think it looks and feels much better. I'm thinking about going even shorter.

The moon is still pretty full tonight and the entire class seemed to have a case of the sillies. The professor remarked that this is supposedly the biggest full moon since 1987. I may have to sit outside and enjoy it for a while tonight.

Fireflies

It is the perfect temperature to sleep with the windows open. I wish it could be like this all summer. There must be thousands of fireflies in the front yard. The grass and trees literally sparkle with them. Tonight as it was getting dark, Addison and I went out and caught a few of them. Or rather, I caught them while Addison supervised. It's fun to watch things through his eyes. "He bwinked at me!!!" Addison yelled at one point. Things like bugs with blinking butts are very exciting and magical. It's good to take time to remind yourself of that every once in a while.

Mark Twain on Education

Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It's like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won't fatten the dog.- Speech 11/23/1900

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made school boards.- Following the Equator, Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.- The Tragedy of Pudd'nhead Wilson and the Comedy of the Extraordinary Twins

Quote from Campbell

In choosing your god, you choose
your way of looking at the universe.
There are plenty of Gods.
Choose yours.

The god you worship
is the god you deserve.

~Joseph Campbell

We had Addison dedicated today. Here he is holding the rose that was dipped in water and then touched to his forehead. 

This is a photo from July of last year, taken in the front flower beds.  

The flood waters riseth...

There is never a dull moment at our house, and this morning was no exception. I was upstairs getting ready this morning when my 13-year old (Jeff) informed me that there had been a small natural disaster downstairs. He was accompanied by the three-year old (Addison), standing pants-less in soaked underwear, shoes and socks. The soaked shorts had somehow been extracted over the shoes. “Mommy, I need a baff. I have pee all ober me,” he said sadly. Upon investigation of the incident, I found that Addison had apparently waited until the last minute to interrupt his cartoon watching, and then attempted to use the bathroom by himself. Accompanied by his stuffed bunny, he bravely tried to no avail to turn on the light. He called for help, but the dryer was on, so no one heard him. Alas, the flood waters rose quickly, filling shorts, Spider-man underwear, socks and sneakers. Our beloved friend and bunny, Mr. Hippity-Hoppity, was also an unfortunate victim of said flood. After cleaning up the 3-year old Addison, I found Hippy-Hoppity lying pathetically on the floor, paws soaked, and exhausted from such a trying affair. Needless to say, Hippity-Hoppity will not be able to attend nap-time at pre-school this afternoon, but with rehabilitative treatment including soap, cold water and fresh air, he is expected to make a full recovery by bedtime.
On a more serious note, I have three nights of class left before I am done with my MBA. I did fairly well on the Corporate Finance test last night and I think we kicked butt on our case. This class has been an incredible amount of work with homework for each chapter, 3 cases to write, and one of those cases has to be presented to the class. The cases are time consuming, and my partner and I worked weekends, late nights, through lunch hours, etc., to get the last one done. I would say I had 40 hours in it (easily), not including what my partner put in. There was homework due as well. Over the next three weeks, we have 2 cases, homework and a test to complete. As I was heading down to the office in the basement on Tuesday night, I said to my husband, “I’ll see you in mid-July.” Three more weeks…

Calf-sh*t Colored Towels and John Bolton

What do these things have in common, you may ask, besides the fact that they are unappealing to me personally? They are both a poor fit for the places people are proposing to put them. Monday night, my husband came home and was very pleased with himself, having purchased new towels for our bathroom. They were lovely earth-toned shades of green and brown. Colors my aunt would lovingly describe as “calf-sh*t.” I have nothing against drab earth-tones per se, but our bathroom is done in shades of lavender. You get the idea. I guess I should just be glad he didn’t come home with a cat-vomit colored toilet-seat cover to complete the look.

As for John Bolton at the UN, he’s either the cat-vomit colored toilet-seat in the lavender bathroom, or the towels that are going to look like a calf took a big dump on the white bathroom floor, (once my husband inevitably leaves the towels piled there). You decide. Why do I say this? Well, let’s examine the definition of ambassador from Webster.com:

1 : an official envoy; especially : a diplomatic agent of the highest rank accredited to a foreign government or sovereign as the resident representative of his own government or sovereign or appointed for a special and often temporary diplomatic assignment
2: an authorized representative or messenger b : an unofficial representative
Hmmm. Seems to me he is supposed to be a diplomat of sorts. What then, is the definition of diplomacy?

1 : the art and practice of conducting negotiations between nations
2 : skill in handling affairs without arousing hostility

Now, considering the fact that he’s been quoted as saying the following about the UN, I’d say he’s already failing miserably at #2.

"Many Republicans in Congress - and perhaps a majority - not only do not care about losing the General Assembly vote but actually see it as a "make my day" outcome. Indeed, once the vote is lost, and the adverse consequences predicted by the U.N.'s supporters begin to occur, this will simply provide further evidence to many why nothing more should be paid to the U.N. system. "
John Bolton

"There's no such thing as the United Nations. If the U.N. secretary building in New York lost 10 stories, it wouldn't make a bit of difference."
John Bolton

The main argument for Bolton is that we need a strong person to help reform the UN, but there’s a big difference between being tough and being a bully or a loose cannon. Is this the image that the US wants to present to the rest of the world? It’s certainly not the way I want to be seen. Someone should do with this man what I intend to do with the ugly-but-functional-towels. Put him them someplace where no one has to look at them on a daily basis. The following quote articulates my feelings on diplomacy perfectly.

A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Caskie Stinnett

Quote

"...for the heroes of all time have gone before us; the labyrinth is thoroughly known; we have only to follow the thread of the hero-path. Andwhere we had thought to find an abomination, we shall find a god; where we had thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves; where we had thought to travel outward, we shall come to the center of our own existence; where we had thought to be alone, we shall be with all the world."

~Joseph Campbell
The Hero With 1000 Faces

I Poop Alone

As the mother of two boys, ages 3 and 13, it's tough to find time to myself. I often joke that I can't even go to the bathroom by myself, but sadly, it's really not a joke. Tonight I was sitting on the toilet and not ten seconds after I sat down, I hear little feet stomping angrily outside and the three-year old bursts in. I forgot to lock the door, so he throws it open and scowling seriously says, "Daddy won't give me my own piece of cake." I must go speak with Daddy. Give the child some stinking cake, so I can poop, for the love of God. This is just one of the many scenarios which interrupt my personal bathroom time on a daily basis. Sometimes it's my husband, who can't find his socks. Sometimes it's the 13-year old, waiting to ask me to sign a form 30 seconds before he has to be out the door to catch the bus. You get the idea. It never fails, even at work I can't seem to use the bathroom without someone coming in and using the stall right next to me. I've forgotten what it's like to take a nice relaxing crap without someone bursting in, or if the door is locked, standing outside and yelling "Erika, have you seen my socks?" (As a side note, my husband is a bit anal about his socks and can't stand it if they get separated from each other in the wash. If he can't find the pair he is looking for, or the mate to a particular sock, he will wander around the house until he finds it, or rather, until I find it for him. Socks to him are a little like kryptonite to Superman. If I ever want to cripple him, I will hide exactly one sock from each of his pairs, and he will be rendered totally powerless - and be unable to leave the house.)

I've even tried to delay pooping until late at night when all the male-folk are in bed. I've discovered that doesn't even work because then the cats pop in to see what I'm doing. If I use the downstairs bathroom, I will see little paws coming under the door and tapping to get my attention. After all, the food dish is right outside, I could be considerate and lean out the door to feed the cat that will surely starve to death in the 30 seconds it might take me to finish.

I've come up with a solution. The only "alone time" I get is in the car, barring intrusion from tailgaters and such. I must figure out a way to take a crap in the car. Ironically enough, we just got this e-mail from the safety committe at work about all the things you shouldn't do while driving a car - like grooming, using a cell phone, etc. They didn't list taking a crap, specifically, but then they didn't list having sex while driving, or flipping someone off with one hand while changing lanes with the other. Obviously, the list was not intended to be comprehensive. Either that or they are smart enough to realize that sometimes you just "gotta do what you gotta do." Anyway, I don't want to piss off the safety committee, but then I haven't had the bathroom to myself in at least 3 years, so drastic measures are required. I figure my only resort is to find a way to take a dump in the car. I will have to convert the driver's seat into some kind of porta-potty, and I will finally be able to "poop alone, yeeeah heh, with nobody else, and you know when I poop alone, I prefer to be by myself." Thank you, George Thorogood. Anyway, I think this also lends itself nicely to solve the tailgating problem. If I can figure out a way to shoot the poop out the back of the car, that should take care of any tailgating problem that might occur ("if you think pigeons are bad, just watch this, sucker!") I have an uncle with a body shop that can probably make the necessary modifications.

I realize it's a rather strange subject for a first post, but it's something that's been on my mind and I'm sure anyone with kids can relate to it.

Happy pooping!