A Practical Use for Assault Weapons

I’ve never understood the practical value of owning an assault weapon. This is not an anti-gun statement. If someone were to break into my house in the middle of the night, I’d definitely want a way to defend myself and my family. I also have no problem with hunting as long as you use as much of the animal as possible. However, I’ve never understood the need for the average person to walk into a Wal-Mart or Cabela’s and purchase an M-16 or an AK 47. That’s just my personal opinion. You’re not going to use it for hunting unless you want your hamburger produced before you leave the woods. However, if that’s the way you choose to hunt, bring some freezer bags and have a blast (no pun intended). It’s your prerogative.

Today I had an epiphany. It happened as I was looking out the back door at my bird feeders. What I saw alarmed me. Every single feeder was covered with those little gray forest cockroaches… yes, the dreaded gray squirrels. I went to the front porch to get the dog. A little background on the dog would be helpful at this point. He is a lab/pit-bull mix and in his free time he collects rocks by the dozen and has the charming habit of dropping the rocks on your feet or in front of the lawnmower when you’re not paying attention. He has been rendered virtually toothless by his rock-collecting activity. He also enjoys chasing his own feces through the woods when Jason shovels it out of the lawn. Now there’s a skill everyone looks for when selecting a dog. Yes, he has quite a resume, doesn’t he?

On this particular morning, Lucky was busy sleeping and stinking up the front doormat, obviously exhausted from the prior days’ rock-collecting activity. I sounded the battle call, “Lucky, SQUIRRELS!” He looked at me as if to say, “shouldn’t you be at work? I’m trying to nap here.” He did eventually get his butt in gear, but it required some effort, as his ass-end was obviously not ready to wake up. He chased the squirrels away with a toothless “Boof” or two and went back to his mat. 30 seconds later, the little furry stomachs with tails were back. I watched one shimmy up the pole and use the squirrel baffle like a diving board onto the tray feeder. Tufted titmice, Goldfinches and Nuthatches waited grumpily in the trees while the little gray monsters gorged on their food. It was then that the practical use for an M-16 occurred to me. Although, I must note that I am going to have to move the bird feeders away from the propane tank before I take up any serious target practice, or I just might take care of the squirrel problem for at least an eighth of a mile.

Happy bird-watching, everyone. I’d like to dedicate this post to my mom, a woman who knew her assault weapons.