I Poop Alone

As the mother of two boys, ages 3 and 13, it's tough to find time to myself. I often joke that I can't even go to the bathroom by myself, but sadly, it's really not a joke. Tonight I was sitting on the toilet and not ten seconds after I sat down, I hear little feet stomping angrily outside and the three-year old bursts in. I forgot to lock the door, so he throws it open and scowling seriously says, "Daddy won't give me my own piece of cake." I must go speak with Daddy. Give the child some stinking cake, so I can poop, for the love of God. This is just one of the many scenarios which interrupt my personal bathroom time on a daily basis. Sometimes it's my husband, who can't find his socks. Sometimes it's the 13-year old, waiting to ask me to sign a form 30 seconds before he has to be out the door to catch the bus. You get the idea. It never fails, even at work I can't seem to use the bathroom without someone coming in and using the stall right next to me. I've forgotten what it's like to take a nice relaxing crap without someone bursting in, or if the door is locked, standing outside and yelling "Erika, have you seen my socks?" (As a side note, my husband is a bit anal about his socks and can't stand it if they get separated from each other in the wash. If he can't find the pair he is looking for, or the mate to a particular sock, he will wander around the house until he finds it, or rather, until I find it for him. Socks to him are a little like kryptonite to Superman. If I ever want to cripple him, I will hide exactly one sock from each of his pairs, and he will be rendered totally powerless - and be unable to leave the house.)

I've even tried to delay pooping until late at night when all the male-folk are in bed. I've discovered that doesn't even work because then the cats pop in to see what I'm doing. If I use the downstairs bathroom, I will see little paws coming under the door and tapping to get my attention. After all, the food dish is right outside, I could be considerate and lean out the door to feed the cat that will surely starve to death in the 30 seconds it might take me to finish.

I've come up with a solution. The only "alone time" I get is in the car, barring intrusion from tailgaters and such. I must figure out a way to take a crap in the car. Ironically enough, we just got this e-mail from the safety committe at work about all the things you shouldn't do while driving a car - like grooming, using a cell phone, etc. They didn't list taking a crap, specifically, but then they didn't list having sex while driving, or flipping someone off with one hand while changing lanes with the other. Obviously, the list was not intended to be comprehensive. Either that or they are smart enough to realize that sometimes you just "gotta do what you gotta do." Anyway, I don't want to piss off the safety committee, but then I haven't had the bathroom to myself in at least 3 years, so drastic measures are required. I figure my only resort is to find a way to take a dump in the car. I will have to convert the driver's seat into some kind of porta-potty, and I will finally be able to "poop alone, yeeeah heh, with nobody else, and you know when I poop alone, I prefer to be by myself." Thank you, George Thorogood. Anyway, I think this also lends itself nicely to solve the tailgating problem. If I can figure out a way to shoot the poop out the back of the car, that should take care of any tailgating problem that might occur ("if you think pigeons are bad, just watch this, sucker!") I have an uncle with a body shop that can probably make the necessary modifications.

I realize it's a rather strange subject for a first post, but it's something that's been on my mind and I'm sure anyone with kids can relate to it.

Happy pooping!